Sometime in July I had made the resolution to blog more. I didn’t really have a gameplan, but I was just tired of having a blog that I don’t blog in. I am realizing that I am forgetting more and more things, big and small. I used to be able to remember minute details, like word-for-word conversations or exact times (not just dates, but times and dates) that something happened. Today, I have to “look up” a lot of that. Maybe I’m enabling my forgetfulness by trying to document more… Maybe I’m relying too much on something else backing up my memories. Or maybe I am just losing my memory and will be eternally grateful to my current-self when I look back on the things I did manage to record.
This is a familiar post for me. How many times have I moaned about documenting more and blogging more?
In August, I did manage to start blogging more. My Archive Calendar was looking more full than it has in years…
Then in the the early weeks of September, Heidi stopped purring. Then we had a vet look at her. Then we made the decision to put her down. Then my world went black. But I still had a wedding to finish planning. We still had a marriage to begin. And we still had a honeymoon to go on.
The past two months have been such a mix of things. There are so many things to celebrate, but I also have such a hole in my heart. I cried a few times while we were on our honeymoon, in secret. But it was relatively easy overall to push those feelings down and out of my mind, being in a foreign country with no familiarities to remind me of what I had lost.
I didn’t intend for this post to be about Heidi. I had actually come across a blog that was solely documenting two people currently five years into their marriage. That blog was created for their future selves, their future children, and for their families to stay in touch. And I was reminded that I wanted that and that I need to carve out more time for editing photos and posting memories.
So I got on my blog and two posts down was my goodbye post… Hard to miss. And all the #feels came back. When we came home from our honeymoon, Milo came up from hiding in the basement and when I picked him up, I immediately started bawling. And I feel guilty, because those tears (and let’s face it, drool from being an uncontrollable ugly-cry) were not just from happiness of reuniting with him but also from being hit AGAIN with the pain that Heidi is gone. She was not following Milo up the stairs. She was not coming out of the back bedroom at the sounds of our voices. She was not there.
I cried a lot that night. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep.
And I let this post become about her because as I sit here letting these feelings wash over me, I look at the clock and realize that it’s been exactly two months since she’s been gone. Exactly. To the minute. 3:30p. The world is cruel sometimes.
I miss her so much.
And I’m letting myself. I’m not forcing myself to do anything I don’t want to. I took time off of work after we put her down and I didn’t make excuses for it. I let myself cry, even if it’s at a restaurant half a world away or on a 16-hour flight from Sydney. And I don’t care how many more times I will cry. I will let myself cry even if it’s today, next week, or fifty years from now because Heidi deserves it. She was one of the best things to have ever happened in my life and she deserves ALL the feelings I have for her.
Pet loss is … I don’t know. But it’s very individual. People loss affects SO many, because humans are out there, interacting. No one on this planet feels the way that I do about Heidi right now. And it’s up to me to preserve my memories of her. I am working on it. It’s painful. And I am working on letting that pain be a part of my life without overtaking my life so that I can push through it in order to remember her. I will work on my memories of Heidi, but I will also work on my memories of Brian’s and my marriage, and our memories from our honeymoon…
I suppose a part of working through everything is to get it out. This is my little space on the vast world wide web. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize. It is my space to do with what I not only wish, but also what I need.